Mary was clearing out some of her husband's old clothes for the local charity shop when in one of the pockets of an old suit she found a shoe repair ticket.
"Hey - I'd forgotten all about that " said Bob, her husband.
"That ticket must be 20 years old.
Tell you what - the shop's still there, I'll call in and enquire"
The following day he called at the shop in Blackwood and presented the ticket.
The shop assistant studied the slip and said:
"Right Sir - they'll be ready on Thursday"
The local vicar's bicycle had gone missing and he suspected one of his parishioners had stolen it.
One of his deacons made a suggestion for its recovery.
"Why don't you give a sermon on the Ten Commandments" he said.
"When you get to 'Thou shalt not steal' just look around and see who has a guilty look on their face - Odds on that's the person who's stolen it"
Some days later he asked if the plan had worked.
"Well, yes it did " replied the vicar. "But not in the way I envisaged.
I started the sermon and when I got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery'
that's when I remembered where I'd left my bike"
In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
Mike taught Geography at the local comprehensive school and was constantly teasing his wife,Tracy,about her lack of knowledge on the subject.
Determined to impress she bought a World atlas and swotted up on countries and their capitals.
When Mike next began to tease her she said "Allright - ask me the capital of any country in the World."
"O.K." said Mike. "What's the capital of Bulgaria?"
Tracy thought for a while and answered:
"That's a tough one - but I think it must be 'B'
Two Valleymen were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day.
When it became too windy for the passenger, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open.
A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver instantly and stunning the passenger.
When the paramedics arrived at the scene, they asked a constable standing nearby what happened.
"Well," the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the other one's head straightened around, he was dead, too."
A white ecologist was working with an African tribe, and one day the tribe elder comes to him and says, "My wife just had just a baby, and it's white. You're the only white man within hundreds of miles of here."
The ecologist gulps and says, "Well, some things in nature just can't be explained.
Look at that herd of goats, for example. All of them are white except for that one black goat. This is just another example of that."
Finally, the Tribe elder nods and says, "Well, all right, I'll keep quiet about the white baby, if you'll keep quiet about the black goat."
Barrister to witness:
'In your opinion, did you think the defendant was drunk?'
Witness: ' Yes sir, drunk as a judge.'
Judge: ' Don't you mean drunk as a lord'
Witness: ' Yes, my lord '
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told:
"You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will
want to know everything about you".
The frog said "That's great ! Will I meet her at a party, or what?".
"No",said the Psychic,"Next term --- in her biology class"
( from John T.)
Evan and Dai were lost in the desert, and were dying of thirst.
All at once they saw a collection of tents and market stalls
in the distance.
They rushed into the first and asked if they sold water.
"No," replied the Arab within, "We only have custard."
The men went into the next tent and asked the same question.
"I'm sorry," said the second Arab, "We only sell jelly."
Perplexed, the men went to the last stall in the market,
once again asking if there is any water to spare.
"A thousand apologies," said the Arab, "We only have sponge cakes."
The men left, disappointed and a little confused.
"That was weird," said Evan.
"Yes," replied Dai, "It was a trifle bazaar."
Griff was visiting a farm in Manmoel
when he noticed a pig with a wooden leg.
"I've never seen anything like that" said Griff to the farmer.
"There must be a story attached."
The farmer sat down and began to tell Griff the story:
"One day," he began, "my wife and I were asleep upstairs, when the pig came running in,
jumped into bed with us,squealing like mad.
So we got up and went downstairs to see what was going on.
The old stove down in the kitchen had exploded. The flames were everywhere.
The whole house was on fire! If it hadn’t been for that pig,
my wife and I wouldn’t be alive today."
"Amazing!" said Griff . "So the pig lost that leg in the fire?"
"Well no," replied the farmer. "One day when I was ploughing the field,
my tractor tipped over and I was trapped underneath and couldn’t free myself.
The pig came over, dug me out and saved my life!"
"Incredible!" said Griff. "But how did that pig lose his leg?"
"Well," said the farmer, " With a pig like that, how could we eat it all at once."
Evan: "One of my ancestors was killed at the Battle of Little Big Horn"
Dai: "Really? Did he serve under Custer?"
Evan: "Well no actually, he was camping in the next valley and went over to complain about the noise"
Phone call received at Jones, Jones & Jones - Local Solicitors
"Could I speak to Mr. Jones please?"
"I'm afraid not, he's away on business."
"Then could I speak to Mr. Jones?"
"Sorry, he's in court today"
"In that case, could I speak to Mr. Jones?"
"Speaking"
Dai was delivering milk by horse and cart in Georgetown, Tredegar.
An attractive lady came out of her house and
squinted at the Town Clock
(For the sake of all Southerners, Georgetown is
within sight of the Town Clock but the hands are
scarcely visible)
She turns to Dai and says- "Dai, Have you got the
time ?"
"Of course, love," he replies "but there's nobody
to mind the horse"
( from Tom )
Dai was single and bald and known to his friends
as Dai Egg.
He got married, his wife immediately became
pregnant and gave birth to twins.
Dai then became - Dai Double Yolk.
( from Tom )
The local chapel's roof was in need of renovation so Rhys, the minister, approached a local builder for an estimate.
"It'll be £1500 but as my wife attends your chapel I'll give you 15% discount" said the builder.
Rhys had never been good at figures so he hesitated and replied: "I'll have to think about it"
Later, after evening service, he sought out Miss Thomas, the local school mistress.
"Tell me," he asked "If I gave you £1500 less 15% discount, what would you take off?"
Miss Thomas pondered for a moment and replied "Everything bar my ear-rings"
Dai Jones died several years before his wife and when she eventually passed on, she asked St. Peter if her husband was there.
St. Peter laughed: "We've got thousands of Dai Jones's here, can you describe him"
"Well," said Mrs. Jones, "Before he died he said that if ever I was unfaithful to him he'd turn in his grave."
"Oh, Right ", said St. Peter, "You mean old Pinwheel Jones."
Two blokes sitting in a plane flying over South Wales.
Dai says to Taff :
"We're flying over Cardiff"
" How do you know that ?" says Taff
"Because I can see the castle"
A couple of minutes later Dai says:
" Were flying over Caerphilly "
"How do you know that ?" says Taff
Dai says "I can smell the cheese"
A few moments later Dai says:
"Wheres my watch gone?".
Taff turns and says " It's bloody obvious innit - we've just
flown over Cefn Fforest"
(From Deb in NZ)
Rees had never been abroad before, so when he came into a little cash he decided he
would go to Spain.
Wanting to get on with the locals he decided he would learn
the language; so he went to his local Tech where he knew they taught languages,
he asked to join a class, he was told that the classes for Spanish were all
fully booked but could fit him in the following September
"That's no good to me"
said Rees, "I'm going on Friday"
The tutor looked at him sympathetically for a
moment , and said that if he spoke very very slowly they would understand him
alright., Rees, satisfied with this advice went on his holiday.
Getting off the
plane he was rather thirsty so went for the nearest bar, which was empty apart
from the barman, so Rees began " Do...you....
sell......beer" he said slowly,
"Yes...... sir.....
we....sell.....beer" said the barman equally slowly and with a
distinct valley accent.
"I'll...... have.....a.....
pint..... of..... your..... best..... please"
"One..... pint.....
of..... best..... coming..... up..... sir"
Rees looked at him for a moment and said "Where..... do......
you......come..... from?"
"I.....
come..... from..... Dowlais.....Top,.....
where..... do.....you..... come..... from?"
"I..... come...... from..... Dowlais.....Top.....
too!
Tell.... me,..... where.....
did..... you..... learn..... to.....
speak..... Spanish!?"
( from Ken Evans - Bath )
A young teacher from England was seconded to a valley school and billeted on a miner and his wife.
The first evening she was there, the old boy came home, black as night, his wife got out the tin bath, filled it with hot water ready for his wash.
The young teacher who was sitting by the fire in the kitchen, got up and said she had better go to her
room, this was as the old boy was about to undress.
"No, no" said the wife, "You
dont have to go,luv - he wont splash!"
( from Ken Evans - Bath )
Dai and Bill were discussing their respective marriages.
Dai said ' It first occured to me that our marriage might be in trouble when my wife won an all expenses paid trip for two to Hawaii '
Bill replied 'Why did that suggest your marriage was in trouble?'.
'She went twice' replied Dai.
( from allblack )
Do you know any "Valley" type jokes ? (reasonably clean ! )
E mail us at: sirhowylad@hotmail.com
