Ted was attacked by a six foot cockroach but managed to escape.
As his injuries were being treated in Casualty the doctor remarked:
"This is the fifth case like this we've had this week"
"That's terrible" said Ted "Have the police been informed?"
"No" said the doc "It's just a nasty bug that's going round"

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A Cefn Fforest girl went to Curry's sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to Cefn Fforest girls," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Cefn Fforest girls," he replied. "Damn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she approached the salesman again. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Cefn Fforest girls," he said.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm from Cefn Fforest?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

---

Dai was seriously overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When Dai returned, he'd lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
Dai nodded. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied Dai.

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Three student psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Sirhowy, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Hollybush.
"Elation," said she.
"And you, sir " he said to Kevin from Blackwood, "how about the opposite of woe?"
Kevin pondered awhile and replied - " Giddy Up ?"

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As Herbert, a senior citizen, was driving down the M4, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M4. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herbert, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

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Two small boys knocked on John's front door. "Need any odd jobs done, Mister?" asked one.
John (who was notoriously mean) thought for a moment. " Yes, I do " he said. "I'll give you £10 to paint my porch -
you can find the paint and everything you need in the garage "
"You're on !" said the first lad.
Two hours later came another knock.
"All finished" said the first lad,"In fact, we had paint left over so we gave it another coat"
"Great! Thanks " said John and handed over the money. Both lads thanked him and started to leave.
As John was reflecting on his bargain one boy turned and shouted:
"Oh, By the way, Mister - it's not a Porsche, it's a BMW !"

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