Whilst driving through the valley Alf got a puncture.
As he was kneeling to remove the wheel he glanced up and was
amazed to see a youth armed with a screw driver reaching through
the open driver's window.
"What the hell are you doing?" shouted Alf.
"Don't be greedy, mate" came the reply.
"You can have the wheels - I'll take the radio"
(from Simon)
A man from Cwmfelinfach, with two left feet, went into a shoe shop.
He said "Can I have a pair of flip flips"
A man enters a Blackwood barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
" I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
" Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech." But what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber.
" Just bring it back tomorrow, like everyone else does."
Two strangers were driving through the valley when
they came to a sign that told them they were
2 miles from Ynysddu.
They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the place.
Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the men said to the
cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."
The cashier leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrr-Gerrrr Kinngg".
Bill went to the doctor and said - "Doctor, whenever I break wind it's odourless". The doctor asked Bill if he could do it there and then, which Bill did, very loudly.
The doctor sniffed a few times, said - "Yes, I think I know what the problem is", went out of the surgery for a moment and came back with a very long stick with a hook on the end.
Bill became very frightened and asked - "Doctor, what are you going to do with that thing?"
The doctor replied - "I'm going to open the window - you've got something wrong with your nose!"
( from Stuart )
Q. What is green and white and can get you legless in the Penllwyn?
A. A Giro!!
Wayne was refused entry into one of the top Valley night spots for being without a necktie.
In desperation he returned to his car and scoured the contents for anything resembling a tie.
The only thing he could find was a set of jump leads so he tied these
round his neck and returned to the club.
Fortunately the doorman had a sense of humour.
"O.K." he said - "You can come in, but I'm warning you - Don't start anything ! "
Recently in Scotland, archaeologists dug down 500 feet and discovered lines of
copper wiring. They concluded that their Scottish ancestors had a telephone
system 500 years ago.
The English, not to be out done, dug down 1,000 feet to discover lines of copper
wiring, concluding that the English had a telephone system 1,000 years ago.
The Welsh dug down 5,000 feet and discovered nothing. They concluded that 5,000
years ago, the Welsh were using mobile phones!
( from Rhyd )
Little Tom was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered
over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up
to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tom?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tom tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned.
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tom patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"that's because
he's inside your bloody cat"
A Sunday School teacher in Argoed wanted to teach her class a
lesson about the evils of liquor, so she produced an experiment
that involved a glass of water, a glass of whisky, and two
worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," she said while
putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water
could be. She then put the second worm into the whisky. It curled
up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom,
dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the
teacher asked.
Johnny, who sits at the back, raised his hand and
responded confidently,
"Drink whisky and you won't get worms."
Mike and his wife Marge were awakened by a loud knocking at 3 a.m.
Mike stumbled downstairs and opened the back door to find a stranger standing there.
"Could you give me a push please?" asked the stranger.
Mike was furious - " Do you know what time it is? " he shouted "Go away or I'll call the
police"
On returning upstairs, Marge asked him who it was - " Some idiot asking for a push "
said Mike " I told him to get lost".
"Don't you think that was mean of you?" said Marge " What about the times when our car's
broken-down?-Someone always helped us out."
"You're right" reflected Mike " I over-reacted. I'll go back down and try to help"
Returning downstairs, Mike opened the door and shouted into the darkness:
" Hello ! - Are you still out there ? - Do you still need a push ?"
"Yes" a distant voice answered.
"I can't see you " called Mike "Tell me where you are "
"I'm over here " came the faint reply -
"On the swing !"
Al goes to the Doctor:
"Doctor - I keep hearing this tune in my head - Green Green Grass of Home.
Wherever I go,whatever I do,it just won't go away-It's driving me crazy"
"Hmm" says the doc "It sounds like Tom Jones syndrome to me"
"I've never heard of that" says Al "Is it a rare disorder?"
"No" says the doc
"It's not unusual"
Q. What Does D.N.A. stand for?
A. National Dyslexic Association
Pete on his Harley Davidson (Argoed Custom Model) was pulled over by the police.
"Don't you know your wife fell off 5 miles back up the road?" asked the officer.
"Phew! - that's a relief" said Pete. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
Seen on the label on a bottle of sleeping pills:
" WARNING - MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS"
Two cannibal friends met - not having seen one another for some time.
"Whatever happened to you?" asked the first,noticing his companion had lost an arm and a leg since their last meeting.
"Holidays", replied his friend "Went self catering ! "
